A Dad's Journey to His Daughter

The Journey's End?

2008-06-09T19:36:00.003-05:00

Monday, June 9th. We are back home now. We landed in Nashville around 10AM, and Maria's friend Jennifer (that's the way Maria says it, but I like to think of her as my friend as well) picked us up. We made it home around noon. As I type, it is about 7:30PM, and Maria and Joshua are already asleep. I am sitting at the computer fighting sleep, but forcing myself to complete this entry.

I have thought so many times of what to say of this final entry into this journey. I am tired and disappointed to say the least, but I came away from this trip with a new found respect for what I have in this country. I have also experienced the amazing power of God's love and grace. When we started the adoption process back in 2004, I didn't really know whether I would be capable of loving a child that was not biologically mine. With our failed adoption (domestic) in 2005, I didn't really allow myself to become close to the girl (Hannah) who was supposed to be our daughter. It didn't feel right. I promised myself that on this trip I would not allow hesitation or fear to grip me. From the start, I let go of the thought that this little girl was somebody else's daughter and that she was mine. It allowed me to become her father, and with that came the grief of losing my daughter.

I have a son, Joshua, who is the epitome of "all boy". When Maria became pregnant in 1997, the first thought I had was that I hope and pray that we have a boy. I envisioned what his life was going to be like and it was going to be far removed of what my life was like growing up. Within the past year I have said, and am sitting here now thinking that I wish that Joshua could experience some of the things that I had to experience as a child. Joshua and I still have that bond that one day will go beyond father and son. Don't get me wrong, he competes for the top prize in two of the cliche's my father used to say: "You make me so mad, I could bite an 8-penny nail into" and "You are so loud that you would give an aspirin a headache." And with each passing day, I see him trying to become more independent (with the things he wants to be).

But with a daughter, it was supposed to be different. And with Aimana, it truly was different. As a preemie she was so petite and so dependent. Again I had already envisioned what we, as a family, were going to do. I let myself not think of her as someone else's daughter. She was mine. And when we made our decision to not accept her, it truly was as if there was a death in the family. We as a family grieved over our decision both before and after.

And in our grieving, it was where we saw God's love and grace. The emails, comments to the blog, and phone calls that you sent to us indicating that you were praying for us or thinking of us was overwhelming. At times I couldn't read your comments from becoming emotional. But with each passing day God's grace and presence has sustained us. We are at peace with our decision and rest assured knowing that Aimana's information will be looked at in the United States to help choose the direction of care she needs.

So, we come to the end of the journey, or is it. The title of my blog says A Dad's Journey to His Daughter. I am not disrespecting Aimana, but I still do not have my daughter. So the journey continues. Check back at times as I may post tidbits of where we are on the journey.

P.S.
As I was typing this post, a song from long ago kept popping up in my head. I can't remember the name of the song or all the verses, but it was at my high school graduation in 1982 and we sang this song as a choir. I thought how appropriate it is as it applies to our journey. Here are some of the lyrics: "I'm going to keep on going down the road, I'm going to hold my head up high. I'm going to follow where the pathway leads till it reaches to the sky. And if I should meet another, at the turning of the bend, then I'll travel out my future with a friend. For I know the One that made this road is aware of where it goes....

My Future's So Bright, I Gotta' Wear Shades

2008-06-03T12:49:00.004-05:00

Tuesday. Today is June 3rd. We left earlier today to go sign the power of attorney papers with our coordinator. Then it was off to see the Princess. Ellie was a lot more animated today. We were told that the formula had caused her some problems, but that they cut back on the amount that they were using. A friend of Maria's, who is also from Nashville and adopting a child at this orphanage, gave Maria some glasses for Ellie. They are so cool. I wish that I could post some pictures of Ellie with her glasses on for you to see. It was a good visit today. Ellie was awake and very expressive. We were told that we would get to watch her get her massage. They started massaging her yesterday and will do so for the next month. Let me tell you that she took to that massage and was cooing and purring. Maria took pictures. I went back to the courtyard to get the camcorder because I wanted people to hear how she just grunted and cooed. They wanted us to see so that we could continue with the massage's when we get home. After massage, it was time for formula. Maria fed her again and this time she was back to her old self for eating. Maria has some awesome pictures of the Princess with her eyes closed as she was heading for la la land after her massage and feeding.

We are happy in that we get to visit her everyday now until we leave. We headed back to the room to get some things done and then it was off to the BETA Store for some more diapers and formula. I guess we should get use to that. We got back to the room and hung out a little more. We decided that we would go back and eat at the Italian restaurant that we ate at yesterday. Maria had lasagna, Josh had grilled chicken and rosemary potatoes, and I had what I had yesterday. Why change. It was good yesterday. It should be good today. It was then back to the room to do some more work, catch up on posting, and hit the bed.

Who's ZSUMing Who?

2008-06-03T12:33:00.003-05:00

Monday. Today is June 2nd. Again, it is a down day for us as we don't get to see Ellie and we are concerned because she was not feeling well yesterday. Maria called Aliya, our interpreter, and told her of our concerns. We were hanging out in the room, trying to figure out what we were going to do today, when we realized that is was now 11AM and Joshua was still asleep. We finally roused him, got him a shower, and decided to go souvenir shopping. We strolled over to an Italian restaurant recommended by one of Maria's friends from the adoption group. Let me tell you - it was the best Italian food I have had in a while. This place beat the other Italian restaurant hands down. I believe this place is called The Cyclone. After eating, we headed to ZSUM, a 5-story department store. This place is the BETA Store on speed. One thing we have noticed over here is that people will run over you if you stop and they are very rude to you as a foreigner. I hope that I am not seen like this back home. And if I were in the past, being over here has made me realize that I need to be more cognizant of the people that are around me, whether I know them or not.

We picked up several souvenirs for Ellie's room so she will have a little bit of her heritage with her. Josh got himself a horse's whip and some postcards. After shopping for an hour, it was time to make our way back to the room. This involved about a one and one-half mile walk. Be mindful, other than our trips to the orphanage in Tokmok, we walk everywhere over here. Fortunately, they were changing the guards at the area next to the White House and we got to observe the guards doing the traditional Russian high step. If we venture out again, I would like to have the camcorder to video it. We made it back to the room around 5PM. It was lights out for all of us at 9PM as we were tired from today's events and we needed to be ready at 8:20 tomorrow to go sign some papers.

Off We Go Into the Wild Blue Yonder

2008-06-03T12:15:00.002-05:00

Sunday. Today is June 1st. It is the 10 year anniversary of my employment with my company, QORE. They have been very good to me and my branch has been very supportive of our adoption and my trip over here. I have been working on some reports in the evenings and need to get them emailed back to be distributed.

Enough of work. Let's talk about The Princess. Today, Ellie wasn't feeling well. She wouldn't take her pacifier, she fidgeted, had the hiccups, burped - yes, burped. Joshua is going to have a challenge on his hands. She wouldn't even eat her formula. We think that it is because of the formula change, but we are here today without our interpreter, so we hand to communicate with the caregivers by hand gestures. While we were with Ellie, a huge group of men and women came through the entrance of the orphanage. I thought it strange and realized that they were Americans (we stand out in a crowd as we are the only ones wearing tennis shoes, blue jeans and t-shirts). After spending some time with Ellie, I was standing in the courtyard as two of them headed out to the street to take a smoke. On there way back through, they said hello and realized that we were Americans as well. Turns out that they are service men and women with the American Airbase stationed at Manas International Airport in Bishkek. The airbase provides support operations for the efforts in this part of the world. Today, was International Children's Day in Kyrgyzstan, an event sponsored by Unicef, and they were stopping by orphanages to deliver supplies. They help support this orphanage and 9 others throughout the region. It was humbling to see these men and women, who put their lives on the line daily, to stop and visit with these children.

We left the orphanage and went to see a historical place not to far from Tokmok. You can read more about it in Maria's and Joshua's blog. After that, it was time to head back home - Bishkek that is.

NO PROBLEMA!!!!!

2008-06-03T11:57:00.003-05:00

Saturday. It is May 31st and we get to see Ellie (or The Princess) as she is now being called. We traveled to Tokmok again with our cameras, camcorder, water, backpacks and snacks. Today we were taking formula and pacifiers for Ellie. As always, Josh and I wait in the courtyard for Maria to go get The Princess. After a short while, she comes around the corner and we all fight to get to see who holds her. Josh has really taken to her. He wants to hold her and gets upset when we take "our" turn. He will be a very protective big brother. Our time with her seems so short. You are sitting there holding her, kissing her forehead, placing your fingers in her little hand to see if she will grab it, wondering if she is focusing in on you with her eyes, and before you know it, it is time to leave. Today, Maria got to feed her. This little girl packed away 100ml of formula in less than 5 minutes. After eating, it was time for us to leave. We rode with Victor today, and on the way back we passed an accident. The only words Victor spoke during the entire trip that day (both coming and going), was "problema" in regards to the accident.

I found out today that I will be coming back to pick Ellie up as my name is on the documents and I will have to go before the embassy in Almaty.

We got back to Bishkek, relaxed for a bit and then went to the Metro for our American food fix. We get to see Ellie again tomorrow. So, we headed off to bed for an early morning rise.

Where are the Flamingo's?

2008-05-30T12:18:00.002-05:00

Friday. Today was a down day for us as we were not going to see Ellie. We were supposed to go to the mountains today, but "decided" not to go. Instead, we went to Flamingo World. This is Bishkek and Kyrgyzstan's attempted version of Disney World. It was a nice change from sitting in the hotel room and got on minds off being away from home and away from Ellie. The trip to the amusement park was interesting as we got the hotel to get us a taxi. Maria wanted me to find out how much the fare would be, if the driver spoke English, and if they would come pick us up. I talked to the driver on the way out asking him if he could come back at 2PM to pick us up. He said 4Pm, I then asked if he could come at 3 upon which he agreed. We prayed as we got out that he would come back. The ride cost 100 som (about 3.60 American for a 20 to 25 minute ride). We got out, paid our admittance, and went to ride rides with no idea of how to translate them. We purchased Joshua a ticket to ride 10 rides. The ticket thankfully had pictures so we could figure out what the rides were. After riding the rides, playing at the shooting gallery, riding the Kamikaze (check out Josh's blog), we were done at 2PM. We never saw a single flamingo. All this took about an hour and a half to do. Thankfully, our driver came back at 2:45. Before we left the hotel, we had asked them to write down the following phrase in Russian: Please take us to Wal-Mart, er, I mean the Beta Store. The driver dropped us off and we purchased souvenirs for the trip. We got Ellie a traditional dress, some felt shoes, a doll, and a Christmas ornament. Joshua got a traditional felt hat, and a baseball bat. After dining on pizza, Maria decided to go to bed. Joshua went shortly thereafter. We get to go and spend time with Ellie tomorrow. Hopefully, she will be even more expressive.

Does Wal-Mart Own the Beta Store?

2008-05-30T11:55:00.004-05:00

Thursday. We are off again to see Ellie or The Little Princess as see is now being called. Our driver took a different route to today based on yesterday's travels. We stopped along the way to buy diapers for Ellie. Maria went to get Ellie while Joshua and I stayed in the courtyard. When she came back with Ellie, she smiling and laughing. She said that Ellie was going full blast and needed to have a diaper change. She said that she has some good lungs. She was wide awake on this visit. Joshua held her for a good while. It seems that we don't get enough time with her. While Maria was holding her, she started sucking on her finger. We asked for a pacifier and Ellie took it like there was no tomorrow. She started dozing off just about lunchtime. We actually got to feed her today. She must be a Latham as she can sure eat. After a little burp, and time for my daughter to sleep on my shoulder, it was time to go. We got to ride home with a different driver today. We had been riding with Vladimir. Today we rode home with Victor. We got back to the room and rested a bit as Victor doesn't believe in air conditioning. It was then off to the Beta Store to get formula for Ellie, and some other things as we were going to go to the mountains today. The Beta Store is the smaller equivalent of Wal-Mart. And just as we visit Wal-Mart almost every day, we visit the Beta Store every day. Back to the hotel in time for Joshua to swim and then it was off to bed. Instead of going to the mountains, we decided to go to an amusement park called Flamingo World.

There's a Water Buffalo Jacknifed at Chui and Main

2008-05-30T11:19:00.006-05:00

Wednesday. First let me say that you can and need to check out the pictures on Maria's and Joshua's blog. The have been snapping pictures up left and right, and putting them on their blog.

We left the Silk Road to head to Tokmok. today we hit a major traffic jam. The title of today's post is from Good Morning Vietnam - one of my favorite movies. We sat in traffic for 45 minutes sucking down diesel fumes. You think driving in Nashville, let alone the US is scary, it is literally open road over here. There are no lines on the road, if you don't like the way someone is driving, pass them either left or right, cut them off, etc. Maria has a picture on her blog with a tour bus right next to our car. I can row down my window and stick my finger out and touch this bus. I don't know how we did not scape paint with this bus.

At the orphanage, Ellie was a little more animated. She opened her eyes, cried a little, and did the things a baby should do. We met with Tatiana, the orphanage director and doctor. We can't share a lot of things regarding Ellie as she is not legally and officially ours yet. We spent about an hour and a half with her. It is so hard to leave after spending what little time we have with her. We went back to Bishkek and met with an American family. They took us to a place called The Metro - a restaurant frequented by the American military. So they had a lot of American foods. Josh got to play pool and later we went back to the hotel and he got in a pool. We received a phone call indicating that evening indicating that we would get to see Ellie tomorrow since we would not be going on Friday. This was a blessing.

The White House is in Bishkek

2008-05-30T11:08:00.005-05:00

Tuesday. Had breakfast again at the hotel. Tried some new things. We were not going to see Ellie today. So Joshua and I took off and went to see the sights of Bishkek. We strolled along Chui Avenue where the White House, Parliament, and other government offices are located. Yes, they even have a white house over here. Check out Maria's blog for pictures. We got back to the hotel and went swimming. This time I got in the "heated" pool. Once you get used to the water, it was OK. After swimming, we went back to the room for some down time. We then went out to eat at an Italian restaurant that Joshua and I had spied earlier. It was called the Adriatica. Josh had spaghetti, Maria had spinach ravioli, and I had tortellini. The food was good except for Joshua's. Now, Joshua's favorite food is spaghetti, and when he doesn't eat it, it must not be good. Maria took a bite and agreed. The tomatoes and tomato sauce (including ketchup) that they use over here does not taste like tomatoes back home. After that, we went swimming again in the hotel pool, went upstairs and crashed. We were going to get to see Ellie again tomorrow.

Meeting Ellie

2008-05-30T10:53:00.004-05:00

Hey there. Been busy over here and haven't posted in a while. Will try to update you in several posts instead of one long one. On Monday morning we got to see Ellie. The trip from Bishkek to Tokmok was uneventful. It is a pretty country with the mountains and fields; however, it is a poor country as well. Out from Bishkek are farms. I have seen several workers in the fields and their children under shade trees. They pull their cars up to the side of the fields and get out and work all day.

When we got to the orphanage, Maria, Aliya and Ludmilla went to get Ellie. We were surprised that she would get to come out and be with us. Josh was ecstatic that he was going to get to see her. She was so small. She didn't open her eyes or pretty much do anything today. We were hopeful that she would be more animated on our next trip. We were only allowed to stay an hour and a half, and then we headed back to Bishkek were we stopped at the Beta Store for more water and Coke Light. Josh went swimming in the "heated" 68 to 70 degree swimming pool at the hotel. After that, it was lights out for at least 4 to 6 hours of sleep.

Goat Milk Cheese and Other Stuff

2008-05-27T02:01:00.002-05:00

It has been a while since I posted. It is Tuesday afternoon, 1PM while it is 2 AM at home. After missing breakfast on Sunday Morning and sleeping until 4PM, we went to a local market and cafe to eat and get a few things for the room. The market is called BETA Market and BETA cafe. Joshua and I ordered a cheeseburger and fry. Maria ordered a chicken sandwich and fry. We all had Coke Light in the bottle. To spare any grossness here, I will just say that none of us finished our food - including Joshua who was eating his favorite food. The cheese was made from goat milk; the ketchup did not taste like ketchup, and the chicken and beef - well I don't think that it was real meat. You could tell we stuck out like a sore thumb as everybody stared at us.

We then went to the market, got some waters and diet cokes, bread and jam (Maria had brought peanut butter) and went back to the room and had a peanut butter sandwich. Josh went to bed around 11PM. I crashed at midnight and Maria at 1AM. She then proceeded to get up at 4AM and Josh and I got up at 5AM. We were ready to see Ellie, but that wouldn't be for another 4 hours. Maria set up Skype and we called her parents and my mom, and hung out until it was time to get ready and eat breakfast.

Breakfast at the hotel was awesome. They had ham, bread, cheeses, olives, pickles, tomatoes and cucumbers, and several local delicacies. We filled up on breakfast and went upstairs to meet Ludmillya and Aliya at 9AM to head to the orphanage. I will stop here and post about our trip to meet Ellie later.

Come Back with My Luggage!

2008-05-25T11:55:00.005-05:00

This will be a somewhat long post as I haven't updated you in a while. The plane ride from London to Bishkek, with a stop in Almaty was long - 8.5 hours. Sleep came in 15 to 30 minute naps in between snack, dinner, snack, drinks, and best of all, a hot, moist towel to wipe your face.

We took off late. The plane was a 757 and again we were sitting in seats right next to the lavatory. As Joshua said, you're almost asleep and then you hear a "whoosh". The snacks were pretty good and our food (Maria had beef and sweet potatoes and I had a curried vegetable entree) was delicious and hot. Joshua had grilled chicken and mashed potatoes (his favorites) and he wouldn't eat them. He ate a roll, dessert, some cheese and crackers, and chocolate candy. After a 7.5 hour flight, we landed uneventfully in Almaty, Kazakhstan in pretty much pitch black darkness. After 30 minutes on the ground, we took off and landed in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan at 4:15 in the morning of the 25th May 08 (5:15p Central time back home on the 24th). We deplaned and went to get our Visas. This was the first official stamp in our passports. It was then on to entry into the country, where the officer did not think that I looked like my picture. I wanted to agree with him and tell him that I didn't think that my picture looked like me either; but all I could do was stutter that I don't understand him. He eventually laughed and let us pass through customs. We then went to collect our luggage and go through customs. At the customs gate, you had two lines: one to declare and one not to declare. Nobody was around and we had to find the lady to tell her we had something to declare: that is we are tired and want to get to our hotel so we can go to sleep. She came out and asked us if we had produce or other items. She saw our luggage and asked if we had clothes, which we responded yes. She then waved us through. We told her that we had money. She went to get an interpreter as she indicated in broken English that her English "is no very good". They started conversing in Russian and then asked if we had more than $200 which we resoundingly responded "yes". She then asked if we had more than $3,000, which again we responded yes. Finally, Maria looked at her and said that we were adopting and had more than $3,000. They finally brought us some forms to fill out, stamped them and then sent us on our way out the door into the night air where we were greeted by several locals. At first, we felt like we were movie stars or something as they all gathered around us. Even one of them was holding a sign that had my name on it. Maria then reminded me that these guys take your luggage to the car and then come back and demanded American money. Our driver (the man holding the sign with my name on it) intervened as well as Aliya (our interpreter). We got our bags loaded, jumped in the van and listened as our driver had it out with one of the guys.

We left the airport and headed for the Silk Road Lodge. The ride was quiet - I don't think we even talked to one another until we saw the mountains shadow and the snow covered peaks. I at first thought that the peaks were clouds as it was nearly 6AM at the time. We arrived at the hotel, got our room, tipped our driver 10 dollars (364 coms over here), tipped our bellboy $5, headed to our room. I was amazed at the size of our room. We have a suite. The bed is a king size and the bedroom is spacious. Enough room to put Joshua's twin-sized bed in there along with our desk and dressers. The bathroom is elegant - compared to the rest of the rooms. We unpacked a few things, and then went downstairs for breakfast. We were about 40 minutes to early, so we headed back upstairs. Joshua was watching Nickelodeon. Everything on TV is in Russian. Maria laughed and said that it doesn't matter what they are saying, as long as it is a cartoon, Joshua would watch it. I laid down to take a little nap before going down for breakfast. The next thing I knew, it was 4PM over here.

I need to stop here and sleep some more. It is nearly midnight, and we are going to see Ellie tomorrow. Check back for my post regarding our dinner over here. It has to do with goat milk cheese.

Later.

How much is that sandwich?

2008-05-24T05:23:00.004-05:00

Greetings again. We are sitting (well some of us are sitting), while others are sleeping in London's Heathrow Airport. We arrived this morning at approximately 1:30 AM our time. The plane ride from Dulles to London was a bit rough. Maria and Joshua were seated four rows up from me, but luckily the two seats beside me were not occupied and they were able to move to the back row with me. Granted, we were right beside the lavatory and galley, so not much sleep was had on the flight. We had several in-flight movies to choose from, so our time was not spent in boredom.

Upon arrival, we searched out a restaurant for breakfast. Imagine our surprise when we paid $51 American for three bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches, a coffee, tea and mango smoothie. The $51 American converted to 23.5 British pounds. After eating, we ran (literally) into Elizabeth and Bill. We are all now waiting for 12:30 to roll around (6:30A back home) to check in at our gate. Will update later on the next leg of the flight which is slated for eight hours. Tired, but excited.

And Away We Go

2008-05-23T12:40:00.002-05:00

Greetings

We are sitting in Nashville's International Airport with less than 30 minutes to board our plane. Joshua and I have toured all of Gate A and some of Gate B looking at the gift shops and checking out the food court. Josh really enjoyed the golf gift shop as he saw a book about his golf idol - Tiger Woods.

We arrived around 1030A for a 115P flight. We ate lunch in the airport - Maria and I split a Chinese meal while Joshua had pizza. It is a beautiful day to fly. The sky is blue without any clouds as we are sitting next to the gate looking out the window. Josh is getting antsy waiting for the plane to come to our gate. Ellie is waiting, about 26 hours plus one day, for us to come see her.

Josh's said that our plane is taxiing to the gate. So I have to go and get ready to board. More to come later.